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But I win at facebook! I am so much better at updating facebook than I am LJ. If any of you want to add me let me know and I will hook it up!

So the man formerly known as Mr. Piece came over this morning. I opened the door half asleep and as he walked in he excitedly proclaimed:

Him: "I didn't want to tell you this before because I thought you would be mad, but I entered one of your poems in a poetry contest."

Now I am starting to wake up.

Me: "What Fucking poem?"

Him: "You know, one of the poems from that red notebook."

Now I am getting hysterical.

Me: "You mean one of the poems that I wrote when I was 12 years old? ONE OF THE POEMS THAT I READ TO MY FRIENDS WHEN THEY ARE FEELING BAD AND NEED A GOOD LAUGH????"

Him: "What? They are good! Anyway, I entered it, and you WON!"

At that point I was completely wigging out. My mind was racing praying he didn't send the one I wrote about Wes in which I pondered whether his red hair and freckles were DOWN THERE as well.

Me: "Oh fucking God! Which one?"

Him: "This one!"

At this point I was completely panicking. I snatched the poem from his cold evil fingers and realized it was the poem I wrote for this guy Shawn who used to follow me around middle school and smelled like beans and grease. He moved to vegas and kept writing me letters so I sent him this poem to get him off my back:

I don't know how to say this,
Because I don't want to let you go,
This is something that's been on my mind,
and I really think you should know.
I've been thinking really hard,
and I still dont know what to do,
but I guess I should get it out right now:
I'm just not in love with you.
I just kept on putting it off,
right from the very start,
I didn't want to hurt your feelings
I didnt want to break your heart.
So please just read this over
and call me when your threw.
I am sorry you had to know this way
I am sorry about hurting you.
I guess I am very new at this,
in fact, it's never happened to me before,
but I guess I won't be seeing you
because I just don't love you anymore. (Besides, I am in love with John Johnson. We have been seeing eachother for months. SORRY!)

Lucky Star.

Me: "YOU PUT MY PEN NAME ON THERE!!!???"

Him: "Oh yeah! I thought it gave you flair!"

Me: "YOU DIDN'T EVEN FIX THE SPELLING MISTAKES!!"

Him: "I thought it would lose it's integrity if I changed it."

Me: "I HATE YOU AND I HATE YOUR FACE!!!"

Him: "They want you to read it at the Kennedy Center when you go collect your prize money."

Me: "How much prize money?"

Him: "5000 dollars"

Me: "well, i guess the poem isn't THAT bad. For that money I'd wear a bikini and a bowler hat!"

Him: "Here is the award letter..."

He hands me the letter.

In big, bold, black letters it said:

APRIL FOOLS DUMBASS!!!!

I hate him.

Today is the big 3-0, and you know what? I am stoked. I went through my 20's and now I feel so "been there done that."

I'm ready for a new start.
I'm ready for whatever is ahead.
I'm ready to get my hands on (any harry potter actor EVER) everything I can just to say I did it, and survived it. except for spiders of course. That's just icky poo poos.

I have a huge ass list of people's LJ's I read that are not on my friends list and they are all wonderful darling people, however, they are also completely obsessed with harry potter DH spoilers AND I CANNOT STOP READING THEM!

Flist, please. Shake me really hard and tell me to knock it off already.

P.S- CONGRATS TO SHAPESHIFTER!!!! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it was a boy!

P.P.S- sorry I have disappeared for so long. everyone and their dog has decided to come visit me this summer. the fleas have been exponential. I meant from the peeps. the dogs are pretty clean.

Ok so I am back from England! From Equus! From the beer! and it was a total and complete blast! Here are some highlights:

( Read all about it here )

and off to England to catch me a glimpse of naked Harry Potter!!!

Trust that I will give a full report the minute I come back. Please cross your fingers I bring a wizard or two back with me.

So I was laying in bed this morning minding my own business, when mr. piece and the kids burst into the room screaming,

"OH MY GOD MOM! MOM WAKE UP! IT'S ALL OVER THE NEWS!!"

I'm like "what the fuck is more important than me sleeping off my hangover?"

"THEY FOUND A REAL LIFE BIG FOOT! Some dude in Washington hit it with it's car!"

"Are you fucking for real? It's on the news! Are there pictures?? I WANT TO SEE IT!"

At this point I am completely awake and I (stumble) rush downstairs because they claim the whole fucking thing is on youtube. I sit down at the computer while evil child number 1 loads up the clip. Evil child number two tells me I need to get real close to the screen and squint because it's kinda fuzzy, but that if I pause it at just the right time, he is sure the fucking thing is wearing bells and a handkerchief. When it starts I get real close to the screen. My heart is racing in anticipation of seeing A REAL LIFE BIGFOOT! and you know what happened? It ended up being 1 minute of fuzz and then out of no where a fucking monkey pops up screaming and howling "APRIL FOOLS! APRIL FOOLS!" at the top of its lungs. The kids laughed and laughed and laughed clutching their stupid little sides and high fiving Mr. Piece all whilst yelling, "WE GOT HER AGAIN! WE LOVE APRIL FOOLS!!"

Now they have been singing "MOMMY LOVES A YETI! MOMMY LOVES A YETI!!"

All. Fucking. Morning.

Ok so it started with the "coon poo" story, and last year it was "children's lingerie" and this year it's a fucking sasquatch. GODDAMMIT WILL I EVER LEARN???

So all month I have had it in my head that something really big was coming up in march. I wracked my brain day after day wondering what it was. I knew it wasn't my birthday, and I knew it wasn't my date with daniel radcliffe (that's in april and we are going to have a wonderful time playing cards and red rover,) and then it dawned on me. As of one year ago on the 13th, calanais convinced me that getting an LJ would change my life forever. I would be rich beyond my wildest imagination, I would aquire supersonic hearing, and millions would flock to my feet and worship me.

Ok so that was a great big lie about the millions of dollars, and I can only hear reasonably well, but it really was my one year anniversary and since budda and I have the same stomach, I'm calling that worship by proxy.

I love you all and I am so glad to have you on my flist!

I got some wonderful news today! All my drama with getting my copyrighted stuff down is SOLVED! And yes, it is in my favor, and I don't think anyone was knifed in the process (even though I really really wanted to.) Thank you to everyone who was totally supportive about that. You guys are so rad! (Yes, I am bringing that back so it's ok.)

Also I wanted to thank a few people who totally made my valentines day: TxVoodoo, Boydsbabe, The shapeshifter, cheekyminky, Jeannie, Leslie (I know it said anon but I KNOW it was you!) and my sweetie pie pokeh. I am leaving you all in my will. I have 42 bucks in the bank and a ball of string that I keep telling myself I will use for needle pointing sawyer onto my pillow.

I love you guys, and thank you sooo much for everything!

I don't know how to make an Lj user name come up all cool so I figured all Caps would be just as good! I received your present and it totally made my day! I was all depressed and stressed out and then I opened this cute little package which contained my very own cabana boy! I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!! You are the queen of everything :)

*hugs infinity*

Every year I make a huge long list of new years resolutions that I am convinced I will end up keeping. I say to myself, "Self, you know that little piece of paper over there on the table? No, not that. That's a tampon wrapper. The one next to it. Yes, the one with the beer stains and barbecue sauce on it. Pick it up. See how it has all those little numbers on it and then next to those numbers are things you scribbled down last night when you got drunk off 8 zima's and half a bottle of listerine? Those are what we call RESOLUTIONS and I want you to try to do what you have written down everyday. Got it? Good girl!"

Then I pat myself on the head and congratulate myself for being so good in my initiative to "Be a better person" for 5 whole minutes. Then of course the pizza guy shows up and I berate him repeatedly. Not that he forgot anything, of course, he was just there and I was on my period. End of story.

Anyhoooo, the point is, my resolutions are always retarded and pretty much impossible to stick to (do something really good for humanity, stop drinking, stop driving by high schools looking for for some "action,"...etc) so this year, I am making ones that are a bit more manageable.

1. I will only wax when my eyebrows when I remember or they are hanging down in my eyes.

2. The neighbor's cat likes to be chased. The neighbor only yells at you because he is cheering you on.

3. Eat the whole bag.

4. When in doubt, poke it and sniff it. Children and strangers especially.

5. Whenst calling one's sister, feel free to tell her husband he is a walking permanent head injury.

6. Whenst calling one's parents, feel free to tell them they are both walking permanent head injuries.

7. Whenst calling the pizza guy, feel free to ask him what he's wearing. Everyone does this and it makes them feel like you care.

8. Tell everyone on your flist that you adore them LIEK WHOA! They are good peeps and they deserve to hear it every once in a while.

I think you all get the idea. Wish me luck.

Today has been quite interesting. Turning 29 has actually been better than I thought it would be.

For my birthday my daughter made me a card that said,

"Hey mom in case you forgot it's your birthday! Cat's really love you and so do I!"

Inside the present was a small stuffed animal cat that she got from mcdonalds 6 months ago. My son handed me his present and I got excited because it was really heavy and I said to him, "WOW son, did you get me a bag of rocks!?"

He did. Seriously. I opened it up and it was about 6 rocks he had picked up from the front yard and he excitedly told me they were really good for, you know, Throwing! The baby just looked at me and kept saying "Ba ba!"

Mr. Piece of course, outdid himself this year though.

"Here ya go honey! Hope ya like it!"

"Uh yeah I do. It's the lotion I asked you to pick me up from the store."

"Hey Keep looking! There's more!"

"Ohhhh, and a snickers too!"

"Oh wait that one is actually mine. You get the twinkies and that pack of gum."

*mr piece takes the snickers from my clutched fingers*

Never fear my dear flist. For his birthday next year he's getting tic tacs and a hard paddling.

Here's to getting older and being moisturized!

So I took a nap today and I ended up having this strange dream that I was back in high school on the softball team. What kicked the most ass was that Dom was on my softball team. Now I know what most of you are thinking, "Was he pitching? was Billy catching?" No, I was catching. Then, because dreams are magical, we ended up in the locker room and he asked me if I was doing anything fifth period (I havent been in high school for ten years. Don't ask me why the wayback machine had been broughten!!) and I said, "Hanging out with you big boy." So I wait around and he never shows up to meet me. Then I catch him in the hallway with Evie and they got in this huge fight because he was trying to meet up with me and I was (secretly smiling and filing my claws) so so sad because I would never want to get in the middle of them. Then they made up and Evie called him "Dommeh," you know, like in really bad fanfic where Billy calls Dom Dommeh? That is exactly what she did but she wasn't chasing him around the place with a cock ring and a bottle of vegetable oil. I ended up giving them a ride home and their cat tried to jump in my car and right before I woke up, I thought to myself, "I should totally steal this cat. I could get at least 5 bucks on ebay for it."

So what do you think this dream means? Am I secretly lusting after my dad?

Dear Self,

You know that time when you were 5 years old and your mom poured you a great big bowl of cereal and you insisted that she dump a whole pile of that grainy white stuff in your bowl because it makes everything so much sweeter? But then when she said that she didn't have any sugar left in the house, you were so disappointed. Fortunately for you, she went and passed out on the couch! After you were SURE she was totally asleep, you drug the chair over to the stove where you spotted a little shaker filled with white stuff. You just KNEW she was lying! HA! You grabbed the shaker, climbed down from the stove, moved the chair back to the kitchen table, and then proceeded to dump the entire shaker into your cereal. Then you took one heaping spoonful of that sugary goodness into your mouth and when that mushy awesomeness hit your tongue...
you immediately spit it out because it was so fucking disgusting. You managaged to drown your entire bowl of cereal in what you thought was sugar, but in fact, was actually 5 pounds of fucking salt.

Now remember, before anything happened, before you completely ruined your entire breakfast, you actually had a nice, tasty, completely edible meal before you decided to be a complete retard because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Speaking of things that seemed like a good idea at the time: ELISE STOP GETTING DRUNK AND EMAILING YOUR EX BOYFRIEND BECAUSE YOU WANT CLOSURE! HE SAID HE WAS SORRY, NOW LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!

Love,

Yourself

SO today I get this myspace message from a dude saying, "My name is Jason and I'm looking for some models for my art......I noticed your profile and was wondering if you would consider modeling for my art? You can check out my art in the slide show on my page. Looking at you I would like to draw you as a.....

1) mermaid
2) Fairie
3) Maybe even a darker character...."

See folks, THIS is why I freaking love myspace. This guy is gonna make me into a freaking mermaid! I have always wanted a tail and scales! And just think, I could be a dark creature! I hope it's a ringwraith!
No words can describe how I feel about being drawn as a fairy. but if I must be drawn as a fairy, I am really keeping my fingers crossed that he will make me into a PUMPKIN FAIRY!

Here is the link to his slideshow, enjoy: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=84594314

P.S- I wasn't really sure how to tell this guy to piss off politely, so I just sent "BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU DRAW LIKE MY 8 YEAR OLD!" as a reply. Was I kind?

Did you miss me? How the hell is everyone??! Catch me up!

As of tomorrow, I won't have my computer for a couple weeks because we are moving. I will scramble to find internet access whenever I can though. Take care my sweet flist! I WILL BE BACK!

I meant to tell ya'll I was leaving for a week but then I forgot! I had to go to colorado for a Poison concert and it was a complete blast.

Anyway, while I was gone, my new article went up! If you want to read about my wedding career, DO IT!!

http://deadrebelsociety.homestead.com/SexInTheSuburbs/Wedding.html

P.S- I really missed you guys. Expect copious amounts of comments in the next days to come.